What a great start to the column. Thanks for your help. Oh, and by support, I mean, we didn’t get a single letter or text about the column, and, as Cicero suggested on his second speaking tour of India, “no news is really good in this country.” would have been”.
Dear Hindu, reader… Er ok that sounded wrong, Dear Hindu newspaper reader, I have only a humble request from my team to ensure the success and longevity of this column, (and by team, of course, I mean just me), and that’s you pretending to read the column without actually reading it. This ‘pretense’ radiates positive energy, and it is the quality of pretending that holds marriages, business partnerships, and even rock bands together.
Of course, if you follow my advice, there is no need to write anything further. To end this sermon, I could only write the letter ‘I’ 400 times. So then this will make it sound like a speech from the center, creating more confusion. And confusion is the enemy of a community bent on furthering the noble cause of collective hypocrisy.
So, now let me dive in, and pour out what’s left in my heart. (Editors, note that this humble writer is writing this column in very harsh conditions, also known as Mumbai). After 3-4 minutes of research it has come to my notice that Indian writers, champions of social injustice and the only writer community across the world who insist on wearing chappals, have spent hours upon hours for the cause of farmer, rural, tribal and generally poor. Yet, no one sings a song for the ‘invisible’ community of India. This community, also known as the upwardly mobile taxpayer community, is distinguishable by a few characteristics. It follows the rules and regulations. They stand patiently in line, and above all, they have the knowledge and purchase a variety of assorted hair products.
By the way, I have just been told that ‘detachable’ may not be a word, so I request you that if by some small act of God, you are still reading this column, Make appropriate corrections. Coming back to the invisible community, they are the ones who mistakenly promote and follow the twin ideals of ‘citizenship’ and ‘decency’. They make up a very small fraction of the general population, less than two percent.
Let me give you some examples of their innocence and naivety. These are the people who believe that cars and bikes should not come from both sides in a one-way street. I know, how stupid is that? These are the ones who when a vendor asks for ‘tea’ Water‘, they actually offer him tea and both Water to drink!
In public transport, these people often give their seats to the elderly and sick. Even if the elderly become 20 years old as soon as they board a bus, train or aeroplane. And the moment they step off said bus, train or plane, they miraculously spring into action. These people stand in line, open doors for others, and have been heard to utter the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
Obviously, they are a blot on the rest of Indian society, and appear almost medieval in their practices and customs. Now, they may be a shame to our modern society, but in today’s world where serial killers have their own OTT shows, surely their voices should be heard? There is data to show that in 50 years or so, this community may not even exist with the English language, few foods, and parallel parking. (Yeah, that’s right. They still haven’t figured out that double parking is very legal in this country).
Now clearly it is the author’s endeavor to throw light on this dwindling community, and thus not let them slowly disappear into the dark night, or into all the open crevices caused by metro work. This will be his life’s work, and to a large extent will guarantee him his ‘Padma Shri’, for which you are all cordially invited.
For now, I’ll keep pretending to write, and promise me, you’ll keep pretending to read.
The author has dedicated his life to communism. Although only on weekends.