There is a chance that some of you might adopt this strange species of dog. They don’t know they are dogs. Sadly, they have little smarts and zero instincts. Training them would test a saint (Bernard). Still, it is unconsciously possible.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. So, start with your kids who are calm and drooling, walk on fours and dribble from both ends. like us. But then they start to grow up and become retarded. They spend hours being beautiful and finally use your picture as their DP.
Start by showing them how to love themselves. They are extremely unhappy with their skins. They keep buying new ones on sale, which makes them extremely unhappy soon again. Now, show them how much we love our skin. Roll around and fur the entire sofa. Especially before they have visitors. Watch them howl (in gratitude, surely?) from under the bed, so you stay safe.
Then teach them to share. Keep your nose up at the boring food in your boring bowl. Take the tail of whoever is eating something tasty, rest your head on their lap and drizzle it with saliva. Make puppy eyes too. What happened! Breakfast is ours. That was easy.
Train them to stay at home and not wander. Who knows what dangers these silly helpless things will put on in this dog-eat-dog world? (Fake news – other dogs are not tasty). One of his shoes was kidnapped. Hide it or cut it into 23 pieces. Suitcases mean they are leaving for the end of days. Curl in so that they take you along. If they see that one of their jackets has a tail, and chase you, chew the handle of the traitor’s turncoat suitcase.
Show them how to talk and laugh with your tail. Oh wait, the poor don’t have one. Instead, they keep making complex sounds but no one understands each other, so they just sit with their phones.
Take them for a walk. Yep, they think they’re running with you – ha ha! Show them how to splash in puddles, stick their tongues out, chase rays of sunshine, lift their feet on car tires, lick lampposts, slippers, doormats before licking each other’s faces Huh. Life is beautiful, may the dog bless you!
Wake them up in the middle of the night to warn them about a pest or nightmare. Then, curl up to them to remind them that the future isn’t worth worrying about as long as you’re together.
Show them how to live happily. Looks like they forgot. To show gratitude and unconditional love. To scare the courier. Sleeping immediately after having a full meal and dreaming of others. Take them out of a sad mood by inviting them to rub their tummy.
Train them to be good dogs, even if they call you a bad dog. Remember, you always have to be a better person.
Where ‘Happily Never After’ writer Jane De Souza talks about the week’s quirks, feuds, and hacks
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