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Remember, romantic relationships are often the mirror where unhealed parts of your early emotional life come to the surface
The relationship with your mother does not determine your romantic relationships, but it shapes the script you begin with
The earliest emotional bond we form is often with our mother. This bond, while not romantic, lays the foundation for how we relate to closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability later in life. It subtly shapes the way we give love, the kind we expect in return, and the roles we unconsciously play in adult relationships. Many of our romantic challenges are not just about our partner; they echo patterns from this first, deeply formative connection we form with our mothers.
Dr. Chandni Tugnait, MD (A.M), Psychotherapist, Life Alchemist, Coach & Healer, Founder & Director, Gateway of Healing, shares ways a person’s relationship with their mother can impact how they show up in love:
The Need to Earn Love:
If love in childhood was conditional—based on achievements, good behaviour, or emotional restraint—adults may carry a belief that love must be earned. In relationships, this can look like over-giving, people-pleasing, or suppressing one’s needs to feel worthy of affection. Love becomes a task, not a resting place.
Suppressed Femininity or Masculinity:
If the mother held strong judgments around gender roles, self-expression, or emotional vulnerability, the child may suppress key parts of their identity to gain approval. For instance, daughters may disconnect from their sensuality if their mother viewed sexuality as shameful. Sons may feel conflicted about sensitivity if their emotional side was dismissed as weak.
Difficulty Trusting Intimacy:
If the maternal bond involved betrayal of trust, emotional dismissiveness, unpredictability, or criticism, a person may struggle to feel safe in intimate spaces. They might keep emotional walls up, sabotage closeness, or feel suffocated by healthy vulnerability simply because it feels unfamiliar.
Emotional Triangulation and Role Confusion:
In families where emotional roles are blurred, a child may be emotionally positioned as a substitute partner or “emotional spouse” to the mother. This creates confusion around relational boundaries in adulthood. The person may either avoid intimacy to protect themselves or unconsciously repeat the childhood dynamic.
Guilt Around Choosing a Partner:
In families where the mother maintained emotional authority or held rigid expectations, adult children may experience guilt when choosing partners their mother might not approve of. Even in loving relationships, they may downplay joy or success to avoid triggering emotional distance or judgment from the mother.
Seeking Familiar Emotional Patterns:
What feels familiar often feels safe, even when it isn’t. Adults may unconsciously seek relationships that replicate the emotional tone of their bond with their mother—not because it’s healthy, but because it’s what their nervous system recognises. They may feel drawn to emotionally distant or overly controlling partners simply because it mirrors the emotional circumstances they grew up in.
Remember, romantic relationships are often the mirror where unhealed parts of your early emotional life come to the surface. The relationship with your mother does not determine your romantic relationships, but it shapes the script you begin with. By becoming aware of these patterns, you gain the power to rewrite them—not by changing the past, but by choosing differently in the present. Healing begins when love stops being something to survive and becomes something you allow yourself to receive, fully and freely.