Good Taliban are good people and bad Taliban are bad people. The ugly talisman, as you might expect, is in the eye of the beholder
Last Tuesday the bathroom shower stopped working. Instead of a splash of water, it was sending down a waterfall or nothing. So I called a plumber. When he went to work, I stood by the door, watching. As he tinkered with the shower head, I asked him what the problem was.
He took a deep breath and said, ‘Taliban’.
‘Excuse me?’
“This shower head has a Talibani mentality,” he said.
“what do you mean?”
“I mean it needs to go. You can’t talk to the Taliban, see?”
“But India is in talks with the Taliban,” I said.
“Only with good talismans,” said the plumber. “Not a bad Taliban. As Gandhiji once said, in everyone there is a good Taliban and a bad Taliban. We must talk to the representatives of the good and get rid of the bad.”
“Is there a bad talisman in my bath?”
he nodded. I was about to ask him where Gandhi spoke about the Taliban when I was struck by a depressing thought: Have I fallen so low in my career that I can now discuss Afghan politics with my plumber? Instead of doing, I am reduced to giving sound bites. For a fake news channel?
“Indeed,” said the plumber, handing me a broken shower valve, “as I said last night on the Times-Never channel, ISI and ISIS-are meeting secretly in the heart.”
“You mean Herat?”
“Yes, heart,” he said. “I’m typing so much on the phone that my tongue got infected with the autocorrect. I can’t control the idli.”
To make a long story short, I was sprayed the equivalent of 400 WhatsApp forwards—all of which were Taliban-themed—in 20 minutes before a plumber fixed the shower.
I would have dismissed the whole thing as a quirk at once. But it kept repeating itself. No, the shower didn’t turn off again. But later the same day, when I took an Uber, the driver lectured me on Taliban malice throughout the ride. I could see that he was very concerned about Afghan women. The next morning, when I opened the door to pick up an Amazon package, the delivery boy said, “I hope the Taliban will form an inclusive government.”
“I hope so too,” I chuckled, and that’s when I got the shock—everyone and his plumber, delivery boy, and driver were talking about the Taliban. Not that they shouldn’t, but I was surprised that so many Indians, who, till last month, could only talk about Sushant Singh Rajput, suddenly became so well-informed about Afghanistan.
It is astonishing that so many Indians who are studying in WhatsApp University have taken Taliban as their elective for the new semester, which will run till March 2022 or the UP elections, whichever comes first. But unfortunately there are many who are getting information about Taliban from dubious sources. As a result, they end up talking dirty, causing embarrassment to themselves and boredom to others.
So for the benefit of these well-informed but misinformed individuals, I’m sharing a brief FAQ below that will empower anyone to speak knowledgeably (and safely) about Taliban, whether it’s your plumber, Be it neighbors or Taliban:
How many types of Taliban are there and how to tell one from the other?
This is a wonderful question. There are basically three types of talismans: the good, the bad and the ugly. It is easy to separate them because good Taliban are good people and bad Taliban are bad people. The ugly Taliban, as you might expect, is in the eye of the beholder.
Is it true that ‘Pashtun’ is made of pasta?
No, pasta is an Italian dish. It cannot produce people.
Is it safe to add Haqqani Network to my LinkedIn network?
Not unless you are looking for a job as an undertrial prisoner – a highly crowded and highly competitive place in India.
If as a proud Indian nationalist there is a cricket match between Bhima Koregaon XI and Taliban XI, who should I support?
It depends on whether you want to spend the rest of your life in Taloja prison or bite your tongue in Talokan.
If I make and share Islamophobic jokes and memes about the Taliban, how much will I be paid per joke/meme?
As a popular mythological figure once said, “Do your work without being attached to the fruits of your labor, for the fruits of your labor will be paid to shareholders as dividends, and the remainder, if any, converted into electoral bonds.” Will be done.”
Is it safe to use Taliban as a metaphor to refer to any other ideologically extremist, hateful, violent, ultra-patriarchal, religious-political group?
Are you mad? Not at all
Even though I’m not living in a democracy?
Look out the window and tell me if you see democracy.
What if I get democracy?
In this sequence 1.5 million eyelids and one plate Afghani chicken.
Yes. Sampath, the author of this satire, is the editor of social affairs, Hindu.
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